Lithium
by ReddTwilight
Summary: Your scent...It's like a drug to me. You're like my own personal brand of heroine."
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight in any way, and give all credit to Stephenie Meyer, and also take no credit for any references made to the novels and movie. Also, I make no money from these stories, they are for the enjoyment purposes of the fans.

A/N: This story is based more on the movie than the novels. I pulled more of the feel and atmosphere from the movie this time because I really liked (a lot) how they did Edward and Bella's first kiss in her bedroom. I loved how Stephenie Meyer did it in the novel and was so glad when they kept Bella's initial reaction. How she just throws herself into that first kiss between them. And I loved Edward's reaction, how he flew against the wall. It was so appropriate. I wrote this from his perspective, how he feels around Bella when they kiss, or touch. What it does to him, how it affects his mind.

I hope you enjoy!!!

ReddTwilight

~*~*~*~*

Lithium

Edward's Point of View

"Don't move." I whispered into the dark.

It was the warning I gave her most of the time when we kissed. Only when I feared she would react like she did the first time. Not because I didn't like it, but because of what had happened. Because of the feelings she caused. Feelings I'd never had before. The way she inched closer on the bed, her scent intoxicating me and making it hard to think. The way she had crawled into my placing a hand on my neck bowing my head back a little as she kissed me burying her other hand in my hair. It had sent a shiver down my spine.

I had no experience with this. With feeling this kind of desire. I'd grabbed at her and pushed her down on the bed pressing my body against hers. The way her breath caught in her throat made me kiss her harder. I had been ready to quite literally rip her clothes off and take her. What stopped me was her pushing my mouth open with hers and swiping her tongue across mine. It had been too much all at once and I'd launched back slamming into the wall. I knew in that instant that I could never lose control and I told her. I could never give in no matter how painful it was to suppress it. The only thing that had kept me going in that moment, besides her utterly delicious smell, was the way her body had been wrapped around mine. She'd been so willing underneath me. No one had ever trusted me so much so fast, and she was more than willing to let me go all the way with her.

Her open brazenness had set a fire in my loins that I'd no idea had to respond to except instinctually. We're all animals in the end no matter how you argue it. We all have the same basic primal urges buried deep within us. I'd only acted as the average male teenager would. Despite the fact that I'm an inhuman monster, I'm still a man, and I still have male carnal cravings.

"Bella," I whispered her name so low, but I knew she could hear me. "Please, don't move."

"I'm not." She breathed.

Her pulse was fast and her breathing erratic. It was my fault she was like this right now. She'd been sleeping when I'd slipped in through her window and sat down at the foot of her bed. She hadn't woken right away, but when she did sit up she gasped out loud. I was sure that she could see the fire that blazing in my eyes. Watching her sleep fascinated me, the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. The way she had one hand thrown back against the pillow beside her head. I only wished I knew what she was thinking, what she was dreaming of, and if she was dreaming of me.

She sat up and stared at me for minute. "Edward, what are you doing here?" she'd asked, fiddling with her ponytail.

"I just wanted to see you." I whispered back. "I can't seem to get through the night without seeing your face anymore."

She'd smiled and leaned forward and I'd held up a hand and whispered. "Stop." Then I'd hesitated and started leaning toward her. That had been just moments before. I inched a little closer to her, leaning in a little more. Her breath caught. "Bella, please." I begged quietly.

"What is it?" she asked, eyes closed in anticipation.

"Try to breathe without opening your mouth. You have no idea what it does to me when your breath washes over me."

She smirked raising her eyebrows. "Now you know how I feel." She whispered.

"Just stay still." I repeated.

"I am."

I leaned a little closer to her, our mouth less than half an inch apart. "Edward, please, just kiss me."

I pressed a finger to her lips to silence her and then replaced it with my own. I tried to kiss her gently, but the fire that I felt every time overruled all sense and reason within me. I felt myself pushing her down against the bed. I tried to tell myself that this was dangerous, that I should stop. That I shouldn't let her wrap a leg around my hip like she was. Her hands knotted in my hair pulling me down to her. I knew this was going to happen and I couldn't let it continue.

I pulled back from her moving to the edge of the bed. "Bella, you can't keep taking control like that." I breathed.

"Then don't let me." She responded. She breathed and moved toward me. I started to inch away but I stopped. "Just remain in control."

"I can't, that's the problem. I shouldn't be doing this, I should go." I said quickly, and I started to get up, but Bella reached out so fast it scared me and grabbed my hand. I stared down at her shock.

"Stay, please." Her eyes pleaded with me more than her voice did. I sat back down slowly. "Just stay." She whispered, letting my hand go.

We moved to the head of her bed and I sat up against the wall, Bella resting on a pillow beside me. We both had a hand above us, pressed palm to palm. Her skin felt so soft and warm against mine. We both lay there staring at our hands for a long time sometimes lacing our fingers and then straightening them again.

"Why are you so afraid of losing control with me?" she asked quietly. I lowered our hands to me chest and turned to look at her.

"I'm afraid, Bella, because of what I am. I could so easily hurt you… Even kill you if I let myself lose control like that." I answered quietly. "If that happened, I don't know if I would ever be able to forgive myself."

"You won't hurt me."

"You don't know that."

Bella moved herself a little closer to me and sat so our heads were at the same height. I reached over and turned her face toward mine gently, stroking her jaw with my thumb.

"I trust you." She whispered, breathless at my touch.

"You shouldn't."

"Just kiss me again, Edward. I trust you."

I leaned toward her, tilting her head up to expose her neck to me and bowed my head. She gasped loudly. I couldn't gauge if it was fear or surprise. I doubted it was fear. I pressed my lips to her neck and kissed the sensitive skin above her pulse.

"Edward." Her voice was barely a breath.

I turned her face back toward me and pulled her mouth gently to mine. We kissed softly for several long minutes, Bella remaining still, her hands folded in lap. I wrapped the hand that was holding her chin around her neck pulling her hair from its ponytail and threading my fingers in it. This I could handle.

I felt Bella suddenly reach up and cup the side of my face. I gasped, but didn't pull back. She let her fingers wind themselves into my hair, but she didn't pull me closer. We parted slowly, unwillingly. Bella smiled softly at me and snuggled her head into my shoulder. I could handle this as well. I wrapped my arm around her and held while she fell asleep.

This was my drug. This perfect, beautiful angel in my arms. Everything about her intoxicates me. Everything about her makes me feel a desire… And not a desire for blood, although there would be nothing more satisfying than drinking hers, but a desire for her body. I want all of her, every last inch. I want to claim every little piece of her for my own. I've never wanted something so much, save one. Her blood. Whenever adrenaline bursts through her veins making her pulse hammer I have to do everything that I can not to grab her and suck out every last drop. Nothing has ever caused me so much pain and at the same time make me long for more. I love her with every iota of my existence. I will protect her even it means the end of me. Nothing can separate me from her. Not now.

Not ever.

~*~*~*


	2. Will

ENJOY!!

ReddTwilight

~*~*~*~*

Chapter 2: Will

Edward's Point of View

Why am I here? Why do I continue to torture myself this way? There's no reason for it. There's no reason behind it. I have no motive, no excuse except that I really must be sick and masochistic. Why else would I put myself through the torment of laying here in her bed with her night after night her scent driving me absolutely insane and making my throat burn in a way I've never felt before?

Why do I put myself through this? Why do I wrap my arm tighter around her every time she shudders or moans in sleep? Why do I draw her closer when I know what her scent is doing to me? I must really enjoy this suffering deep down. I must really be desperate for this pain or I wouldn't have this much control around her. Even this simple human act of lying next to her and holding her is not without effort and is in no way simple.

If only she had some vague understanding of the physical pain I'm in. Of how much control its taking me not to bite into her lovely, tempting throat. Even for a moment, just a taste. But I know it won't stop there. I'd drain her dry without a second consideration.

I shuddered beside her at the thought but not hard enough that she would notice and wake up. Pulling Bella just a little closer to me, making sure the blanket was still tucked around her between us I reached over slowly and very gently brushed some hair from her face. The motion startled her and she turned in my arms to face me her own winding their way around me to on hold on tight.

At first I didn't know how to react, she's never done this before. My hands came away from her as she snuggled her head against my chest and sighed as she became comfortable. Now I was scared. Her smell was absolutely unbearable. The burning in my throat turned into an insufferable scorching and I had to shut m eyes tight and try to divert my thoughts away from images of my teeth breaking through soft, white skin.

Bella didn't deserve this. She didn't need this. There was so much I wanted to give her, so many ways I wanted to kiss her. So many things I wanted to do… But I couldn't. It was all just too dangerous. I sucked in a sharp breath as one of her hands absentmindedly stroked my back in her sleep. I could think of only one reason why she would do that. She must have been dreaming about me, must know somewhere in her mind that she was holding me. The thought should have made me smile but it only made the ache in my throat that much worse.

I couldn't take this anymore. I pushed Bella away slowly, gentle enough not to wake her and got out from the bed. I didn't look over my shoulder as I jumped out her window. When I landed on the ground less than a second later I started to run. I ran as fast and hard as I could, faster than I had ever run before. I needed t get away. I didn't care how far I went, I didn't notice which direction I was going in, I just needed to breathe air free from her scent. Now.

As soon as the thought crossed my mind I knew it was going to be impossible. I couldn't away from it even when I was in Denali. It had just been getting far too claustrophobic in there. I couldn't bear Bella being that close. Her scent was too overpowering, too strong, too… Alluring. The softness of her skin as she stroked my back, the gentleness of her touch, like a lover. The smell of her hair, her breath as she breathed, and God… Her throat. Once again images of my teeth breaking the tender place above her collarbone where her pulse hammered flew through my mind and I stopped dead in the middle of my running and let out a roar in agony. I fell to the ground holding my head and growling more viciously than I ever had before in my existence. No matter how far I was from Forks, I knew my family could hear me. Could hear the pain behind it.

I prayed they didn't show up. I needed time alone to think, to clear my head. I knew one way. I could smell some elk close by and took off. I drained three in less than five minutes, and felt only marginally better. My throat was always going to burn now no matter how much I fed or how often, or what I fed on. There was only way to quench this physical pain that I would constantly be in, and it would only be temporary… I would want more after. I didn't let my thoughts stray farther than that. I wouldn't-couldn't-ever do that. I would not allow myself. Bella is the most important thing to me, I thought to myself. I will never do that to her. NEVER.

I looked up suddenly from the elk I was finishing when I heard Alice approach. She wasn't alone. Carlisle and Esme were with her. "Go away!" I screamed to them. "I want to be alone!"

" 'Alone' is very difficult for you, Edward, no matter where you are." Carlisle said as he walked to where I was crouched on the ground, his voice low and comforting. I knew what he meant. I could tune out the thoughts of others around me, but they never really disappeared, just became a buzz in the back of my mind. "What happened, son?" he asked crouching next to me.

I got to my feet and started to walk off, but he followed. Esme and Alice followed as well, keeping a distance until they felt ready to enter the conversation. I wanted to be alone, I didn't want them here. I needed to think. I didn't need opinions and theories right now, I needed time. Time to figure this out, time to try and quell this fire as much as possible.

"Son, answer me, please." Carlisle said as he followed. I stopped and turned.

"Nothing happened. Nothing of consequence at least."

"Then why did you run? Alice saw you in such pain it hurt even her and Esme and I got very concerned. At first we thought you had actually done it. But Alice said you hadn't."

"No, I didn't bite her." I confirmed. I let out a deep, tense breath and tried to relax my shoulders. Every part of me ached right now, either in fire, or pain, or some indescribable feeling. "I wanted to." I said turning away from Carlisle. "I was so close to doing it…" My mind drifted back to her bed when she had wrapped her arms around me. I faced Carlisle again, Esme and Alice had come to stand on either side of him. All three wore identical looks of sympathy. "She got so close to me…" I whispered. "Unbearably close." I sunk to the ground sitting on a fallen tree ignoring the dampness of the moss beneath me.

Esme walked over first and sat beside me wrapping a comforting arm around my shoulders just like any mother would when her child was having an inner struggle. Alice sat down on my other side placing her hand on my knee.

"Edward, you're not going to hurt her. Not… intentionally."

My head snapped up at her. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I hissed.

"Edward, don't treat your sister like that." Esme scolded. "She's only trying to help."

"I'm sorry, Alice… Please, forgive me." I apologized. She nodded, accepting it. I breathed deep and continued quietly. "I just… Have so much going through my mind right now."

"I know." Alice took a breath as well, steadying herself. "I saw… You and Bella. But you were trying to save her life, not kill her. There was a lot of blood… But no because of you. She was already dying. You were trying to save her, Edward…" Alice looked straight into my eyes as she said this. I knew she was telling the truth. I didn't have to search her mind to confirm it. The information still made me feel bitter at the thought of it. I didn't want that to happen, I wouldn't let it. I couldn't have been happier at the thought of how subjective Alice's visions really were. I would change that future. I would not let Bella die. She repeated my thought back to me as if she had heard it. "That may not even happen." She said squeezing my knee comfortingly. "You can change it. You can prevent it."

"I know. I will." I said quietly.

"Edward," Carlisle looked at me from he stood. "You love Bella, yes?"

"With everything that I am." I ignored the thought that raced through my mind. An inhuman monster…

"If you really love her as much as you say," Esme started, taking a breath to let her words sink in a little, "You'll find a way to control yourself. You'll find a way to be near her without the thought of killing her always so forefront in your mind."

"Listen to your mother, Edward." Carlisle said quietly. "She's right."

"I know, thank you, Esme." She hugged me with the one that was still around my shoulders. "I just don't know if can find that control."

"If you love her," Carlisle repeated, "You'll find a way. You will control yourself. That's all it takes, son. Will."

"I don't know if I have that will."

Carlisle reached out and placed a hand on my shoulder. "You'll learn it. You have to patient with yourself. This is very confusing and painful for you… Trust me, believe me, I understand. I know more about the feelings you're having than anyone else in our family. It's taken me a very long time, Edward, but I've learned control."

I sprang to my feet then, knocking the hands of all three of them off me at the same time. Carlisle stared at me patiently, Esme in surprise, and Alice in shock. "I can't wait six hundred years to learn control!" I shouted. "I can't wait another six seconds!"

"Edward, calm down." Carlisle said gently. I sat back down breathing extremely hard and looked away from them all. "You don't have to wait six hundred years. You don't have to wait long at all. You just have to will yourself to learn the control. Believe that you can." Carlisle was crouching in front of me holding both of my shoulders. Alice and Esme remained sitting next to me.

"Does Bella believe that you can control yourself?" Esme asked.

"Stupidly." I hissed. "She really has no idea, not the tiniest conception of how utterly fatal I am to her. She refuses to the see the risk in this… this…"

"Bond." Esme finished for me.

"I was going to say relationship, but it's not even like that."

Esme sighed and shook her head at me. "How deep does your love go for her?" She asked.

"I can't answer that." I said quietly, still averting everyone's eyes.

"Why? Because you don't know, or because it goes so deep there is no end to it." Esme said.

"The latter." I answered without thinking.

"Then you know enough to believe Bella and in yourself." Carlisle said. "Edward, look at me." I turned my eyes up to meet his. "If she believes that you can control yourself, believe her, too. The more you fight this, the harder and more painful it will become. I know you don't want to live like that. You want to love Bella in every way that you can give her. In every way that there is to love someone. Just find the will, son. You know it's there."

I considered responding pessimistically, but I just let out a deep breath and stood. They all stood with me. "Go back to her." Carlisle said. "It's only been a couple of hours she won't even notice you've been gone."

"All right." I breathed.

Carlisle took my shoulder again "Thank you, Edward, for listening to us."

"Thank you," I responded sincerely. "I guess I needed to hear those things and talk to someone more than I realized."

"Sometimes it's what you need, dear." Esme said taking my hand. "Go back to her, tell her you love her. But don't tell her that you left. However if she asks, tell her the truth. Don't be afraid of letting her know how you feel. She needs to know. Communication is so important, Edward." She put her index finger under my chin and lifted my face so I would look at her. "You need to tell her how you feel, whether you're scared, or angry, or thirsty, you need to tell her. Let her know everything in your heart. You'll b surprised by how she responds. She'll let you know everything in hers."

I nodded, and started to look away, but Esme wasn't finished yet. "And don't feel guilty if she tells you something about what you're doing that makes her feel sad. Don't feel guilty if she tells you what she wants and you tell her no. Explain your reasoning behind it. Don't just tell her no because, 'it isn't safe'. Be truthful." Esme let me go then.

"I will." I promised. "Alice?" I turned to look over my shoulder at her.

"I have nothing to say. Esme said it all." Alice said putting her hands up.

I looked around at the three of them. They all looked back with strength and belief in me on their faces. I nodded once, acknowledging my thanks again, and took off back toward Forks.

It felt like only moments later when I was standing below Bella's window. The yellow lace curtains blew outward in the gentle evening breeze bringing the scent of her warm body with them. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, not to inhale, but to calm myself. To calm my mind. My throat burned painfully but I ignored it.

I was up the tree and through her window silently in less than a second. Bella was still fast asleep, though her position had changed. She was facing away from the window, away from me her fragile human body curled into a tight ball. I could hear her deep even breathing. Smell her breath every time she exhaled softly. I noticed then that she had kicked away her quilt in her sleep and she was shaking slightly with cold. I turned and shut the window quietly, then went over to her side and pulled the quilt to her shoulders. I couldn't lie down next to her. I just couldn't do it tonight. I needed to work up the strength to even come back tomorrow. Right now it was taking too much effort and I would be more than relieved to just go. But thinking of Bella waking up alone and not knowing why I'd left, thinking of the pain she'd be in was the only reason I was forcing myself to stay right now.

I backed away slowly, heading for the rocking chair in the corner, when Bella's hand reached out and managed to grab my wrist. I froze with fear. "Edward?" she asked without turning over, her voice thick with sleep. I didn't even know if she'd opened her eyes.

I took a deep breath and responded instinctually with the first thing that came to my mind, "Yes?"

"Don't go yet," she whispered, "It's not morning." She was completely incoherent. She hadn't realized I'd left. The thought of her waking up alone came back to me. "Stay, please." Her voice was tired but I could hear the plea in it. She let go of my wrist and her hand fell to the void on her bed beside her.

"I will." I whispered.

"With me."

I knew exactly what she meant by that. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and pushing away all thoughts that contained anything red. I reached down and removed my shoes then got in the bed beside her making sure the quilt stayed tucked around her between us and wrapped my arms around her folding her to my chest. She stretched out and sighed contently.

I must love her, more than I can understand. The extent of that love must have no end, like Esme said. Why else would I put myself though this unendurable torment night after night after night?

"Thank you, Edward." Bella whispered suddenly.

"For what?

"For staying. I know it's hard for you, but I can't even begin to describe how it feels when you wrap your arms around me. I've never felt so safe in my life." All thoughts in my mind of seeing her dead and bleeding abruptly stopped and vanished when she said those last words. I wrapped my arms tighter around her holding her as close as possible and burying my nose in her silken hair. I forced myself to inhale her scent, to let it burn my throat. "I love you, Edward." She whispered.

I breathed her intoxicating perfume for another moment before responding. "I love you, Bella. More than you can possibly know. I'll be here when you wake, I promise."

~*~*~*~

A/N: The vision that I have Alice have in this chapter is not referring to the end of "Twilight" but to the fourth novel "Breaking Dawn". I won't say why, for those of you out there that haven't read it yet. I don't want to destroy it for you, it's just too good. I take no credit for the reference and give all to Stephenie Meyer.


	3. Talk to Me

ENJOY!!!!

ReddTwilight

~*~*~*~*

Chapter 3: Talk to Me

Edward's Point of View

"I don't understand."

I looked up at Bella from across the table and glanced around the cafeteria. It was nearly empty. We needed to leave before we would be late for biology.

"I'll explain in class. We have a substitute today." I took the tray of untouched food and walked over to the trash to throw it out saving the apple. I turned to find Bella standing next to me waiting. "Here, you need to eat." I said placing the red fruit in her hand. She took it, but placed it in her bag ignoring my request. She offered me a small smile as we walked out.

We had just spent the last half hour in hear silence. I had been trying to explain to her for the past week now, since the night I'd left her room and took off, how dangerous our relationship was. She shouldn't be so in love with a vampire, but that was hypocritical of me. I shouldn't be so in love with a human.

We walked into class and took our seats waiting as the substitute explained our teacher's absence that he'd wanted us to go over review packets for the upcoming test. I already knew that neither Bella nor I needed to do that. I'd been through high school biology classes so many times I knew the information backwards, forwards, and every way in between. I'd been studying with Bella almost every day after school and knew she was just as prepared as I was.

"We'll just make it look like we're studying." She said pulling out her text book and flipping open the packet. I pulled out m notebook, only because she preferred the legibility of my handwriting to her own, and flipped to where the notes had begun for this test. "So, explain." She said looking at me.

I hadn't said anything to her in the morning after that night like I had planned. She'd slept so peacefully I didn't want to ruin the perfect night she'd thought she'd had. For the last six days I'd been trying to work up the courage to explain some things to her, but it was just so difficult. Why does she have to trust me so unconditionally? It only makes being truthful with her that much harder.

"I really don't know where to start." I watched Bella drop her eyes to the review sheet and then leaned over to look in my notebook as if she were checking something. Her arm brushed mine and I flinched, but she didn't notice. The scent of her of hair lingered as she pulled away and I had to shut my eyes for a moment.

"Start with what you were saying at lunch, about control. You know I trust you, Edward." Her voice was soft and gentle. I looked down at where her lay and I could tell she was resisting the urge to lay it over mine.

"I know you do." I sighed. "And so does everyone else, my family, I mean. Well, at least they believe I can control myself." I laughed bitterly.

Bella scowled and shook her lovely head at me, the brown curls shaking gently. The simple motion sent a fresh wave of her burning scent in my direction and I felt my hand form a tight fist.

"Maybe you should listen to them." She whispered leaning toward me. "You'd be surprised."

"You sound like Esme."

"Maybe I need to. Since you don't believe what she says, maybe you'll believe me." Bella dropped her eyes to the review packet again and asked me a random question about the reproduction of Planaria. I answered without thinking about it as the substitute walked past us.

"Bella," I said reaching across the lab bench and taking her hand. I brought our joined hands down under the table but I didn't meet her gaze. "Do you know how hard it is to sit here next to you, and smell you?"  
I breathed inwardly my hand squeezing hers of its own volition as her scent filled my mind. "It's driving me crazy. I want so badly to be closer to you."

Bella pulled her hand from mine and reached over to grab the underside of my seat and yanked it closer to her so I was right beside her. The chair scraped across the linoleum floor with a metallic sound making the two students behind us look up. They dropped their heads quickly and returned to the review packet in front of them.

"Now you're closer." She said looking at me without smiling.

"That's not what I meant." Looking at where her hand now lay and took it again this time leaving it on the table. I sighed. "I meant closer in other ways."

Bella continued to look at me. Now it was my turn to ask her one of the mundane questions from the review sheet as the substitute walked past again. I saw her gaze drop to our hands where they lay, our fingers laced. She continued walking around without saying anything. Bella pulled her hand from mine again slowly, allowing her index finger to trace my palm before she finally let go. The gesture took my breath away. It hadn't been deliberate. It had been comforting. She answered the question getting it right.

I took a breath before looking over at her. "Why don't we talk about this after class?" I planned quickly to take her straight to my car and drive to my house. Not because I wanted Alice, Esme, or Carlisle present. I needed to be somewhere familiar, somewhere calming. Somewhere with less... Humans.

"Ok, fine. We'll ditch." Bella whispered.

"Exactly what I was thinking."I responded. I dropped my gaze again and could feel where her eyes were boring into the side of my face. I wished she wouldn't do that, it made me feel so guilty about not being to look her in the eyes.

"This conversation is more important than Gym class." She said flipping to the next page of the review sheet.

"In more ways than you can imagine." I said quietly.

~*~*~*~*

I'd been pacing in front of her now for almost five minutes while I tried to organize my thoughts. Bella sat on crossed-leg on the white chaise in my room. Sunlight spilled through the glass wall that faced south bathing her skin in its yellow glow. God she was beautiful in the sunlight. She held a black and brown throw pillow in her lap and I could feel her watching me with patient, intense eyes as I walked back and forth across the small space from the glass to my wall and back again. I ran a hand through my hair tussling it further as I breathed in and out to myself.

Soft piano started playing in the background calming both the atmosphere and my mind. I stopped for a moment and looked up to see Bella placing the remote for my stereo back in front of her. She looked up at me.

"Does that help?" she asked not smiling.

"Yeah, thanks." I said as I resumed my pacing. I recognized "Moonlight Sonata" and shut my eyes as I continued to pace. The music played through into the next song and still I didn't stop. I could feel Bella beginning to lose her nerve. She sighed impatiently but remained silent.

I couldn't get the gears in my mind to stop spinning long enough to form a coherent thought to start our conversation with. It was absolute torture. I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I just couldn't put it into words.

"Ok, Edward, you have to stop doing that!" Bella said finally. "It's making me edgy."

"You're edgy?" I scoffed, continuing to pace. "How do you think I feel right now?"

Bella shrugged angrily. "I have no idea because you're not saying anything to me. I have no idea how you feel, Edward. You're not communicating, you're brooding."

Esme's words came back to me as I stopped and stared at Bella. "Communication is so important, Edward. You need to tell her how you feel…Let her know everything in your heart…She'll let you know everything in hers."

I sighed and walked over to the chaise sitting on the edge. Bella inched away to sit up against the back of it making more room for me. I moved a little closer, but remained pretty much on the end of it, leaning toward her on one arm.

"I'm sorry." I said quietly. Bella reached out slowly, hesitantly, and cupped my jaw. I gasped at her touch, but it was so low she wouldn't hear it. She stroked the side of my face with her thumb comfortingly. Her skin was so soft and warm, warmer than normal because she had been sitting in the sun. I reached up and placed my hand over hers holding it there and turning to press my nose to the inside of her wrist. I inhaled sharply, the fragrance of her blood making me dizzy.

"You shouldn't be doing that if it causes you so much pain." Bella said breathlessly.

"You have no idea how true that statement is." I whispered in response. Bella pulled her hand back and I didn't object. "But that did help, you touching me like that."

"I'm glad. That was the point." Bella pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. "So, have you gotten your thoughts straightened out, or do you need…" She glanced over my shoulder at the clock on my desk, "Another forty-five minutes again?"

"No." I answered her second question first. "My thoughts are nowhere near straightened out, which is saying a lot for me considering as a vampire I have all this extra space in my mind."

Bella didn't respond. She just sat there hugging her knees. She breathed noiselessly and continued to watch me as I struggled with the inner conflict I was having. I could feel how she desperately wanted to draw me into her arms like I did with her and comfort me. But she was a fast learner, I would give her that, and she knew to keep her distance at the moment.

"I wish there was something I could say to make this easier for you." She whispered looking at her knees.

"There is. Just tell me how much you love me." I looked at her but she was still looking down.

"You know how much I love you, Edward. But that's not what we're to discuss." She looked up at me.

"Just say it, Bella. I need to hear it."

"I love you, Edward Cullen. I love you… Like… I can't even describe it because I've never felt this way about anyone before. You're… My life."

I laughed quietly to myself. That's exactly how I felt about her, but I didn't say that. She already knew it. She could feel it every time I wrapped my arms around her; every time I looked at her she knew it.

"So, are we going to continue the conversation from biology, or are you going to sit here and be existential about the whole thing?"

"Good word use." I whispered to her as I rested my chin on my folded hands. "No, we're going to continue the conversation." I took a deep breath and turned to look at her. She was staring at me, waiting for me to pick up where we had left off. "Control, right?" Bella nodded. "Control…" I repeated to myself.

"Why you don't believe in yourself."

"There's a whole list of reasons. But, you don't want to hear that."

"No, I want to hear how you're feeling right now. Everything. What's going through your mind?" She kept her voice low and gentle, but I could hear the push in it. She wasn't going to leave until she got some answers.

"Everything." I said quietly.

"Talk to me, Edward."

I sighed deeply and moved closer to her. She did the same.


	4. Peace

ENJOY!!!

ReddTwilight

~*~*~*~*

Chapter 4: Peace

Edward's Point of View

How I wish she could hold me right now. I need her to hold me, feel her hand stroke my hair, my back, my leg. I wanted to lean against her and feel her wrap a comforting arm around me like I do with her. But I couldn't. I knew this conversation would be impossible if she wasn't already holding my hand. I looked down to where it lay in hers on the chaise between us, her thumb tracing patterns on my skin. There was no description for the peace I felt at her touch. It silenced my mind making it easier to think.

"Just take your time." She whispered softly. "I want to know everything you're feeling, Edward. Everything both on your mind and in your heart and I'm not leaving until its all been said."

I looked up at her gazing into her soft, brown eyes. They stared back sympathetically. But sympathy was not the emotion she was trying to convey. It was empathy. "Bella," I said her name like I was having an epiphany. I really wasn't alone right now. All the confusion I was feeling about her, all the physical I was in, was mirrored in her eyes. She was feeling the exact same thing. But on a human level. I still couldn't deny the ache I felt internally when I saw the raw emotion etched on her face.

"Bella," I said again, and the tenderness in my voice shocked me. I reached out and stroked away the tears that threatened to fall.

"Just talk, Edward." She said shaking her hair over her shoulder, swallowing back the agony. "This isn't about me, it's about you. Talk."

"Whenever I'm near you… Whenever I catch your scent… I have this burn, this insufferable scorching pain in my throat." I paused to let my words sink in with her. "Sometimes it becomes too much and all I can think about is b-" I stopped. She knew what I was about to say but there was no fear in her eyes, only understanding.

"Bite me." She finished.

I nodded. "Yes. When that craving gets too strong… That's when I know I need to step away."

"Have you ever… Stepped away, I mean? Left me without me knowing?"

"Yes." I answered automatically. "I had to. I was so close. Your throat was so close…" I felt Bella's hand tremble in my own but I grasped it gently, soothingly. The trembling stopped. "I left and I ran. I don't know how far but I stopped eventually." I debated for a quick moment whether or not to tell her what I had done after I stopped, but Esme's words still rang in my head. "I fell to my knees crying in sheer pain, Bella."

"Oh, Edward… I'm so sorry." She reached for me with her other hand but I put mine up to stop her.

"Please, no. Don't feel sorry. It's not your fault. It's mine for being so weak. I can't control it, Bella. You need to be aware of that. I don't know how to control it. I don't know how to control myself."

"What did you do?" she asked, looking down to where she still held my hand.

"I fed for a while. Carlisle, Esme, and Alice showed up. They talked me into coming back to Forks, to you."

"Were you going to leave me?" I could hear the utter fear in Bella's voice and took her hand between both of my own.

"No, Bella. Of course not, I just needed to get away for a while, for the night at the most. I needed to be free from… Your scent. It really is like a drug to me, Bella. I can't live without it for long. I've become so inebriated by it that I have to have it in order to survive. I know, that sounds weak and petty of me. Maybe I should say I need you in order to survive. I can't stay away from you for long."

"Only say that if you mean it, Edward." She cautioned me.

"I do, Bella. That's what I meant. But your scent… Really does intoxicate me, and not in a good way or a bad way. It's a little bit of both. I love how I feel when I'm near you, but it comes with so much pain."

"Edward, would you understand what I meant when I say that's how I feel when you're away from me? When I'm around you there's no feeling like it. It's like being home. But when you're gone… It's like there's a void in my heart that only you and your presence can fill."

I nodded my head, still holding her hand between mine. "Yes, Bella, that's I how I feel every second of every day."

"I never knew…" Bella whispered, her voice fading.

"Bella, please don't be frightened when I say this, but you honestly have no conception of how tempted I am at this moment to turn your arm over and…" I didn't finish the thought, but started a new one. "My craving for your blood knows no limit right now. It's constantly on my mind. What it would taste like, how it would feel. Would it really quench this burn in my throat or would it only make me want more?"

I heard Bella gasp, but that was her only reaction. Her eyes started to shift uncomfortably. I let go with one hand and tucked my thumb and index finger under her chin to raise her face to mine.

"Don't be afraid of me."

"I'm not, Edward, I trust you. I trust you with my life." Her words were sincere.

I smiled. I'd already told her not to trust me so many times by now, but she just kept throwing it back at me like a game of catch. Why does she have to be so unconditionally in love me? Why do I have to be unconditionally affected by her?

"Bella," I stroked her hair. Should I let her return the motion? "It's all right, Bella." I took her hand that was still in mine and raised it to my face again. I let it go as she threaded her fingers back through my hair. I closed my eyes and sighed at her touch. There really was nothing more peaceful that I had ever experienced.

"Should I stop?" she asked cautiously when I stopped sighing.

"No," I kept my eyes shut. "It's all right, keep going." I felt her move a little closer to me on the chaise until she was right in front of me. She breathed softly and the smell of her washed over me. It was sheer agony but I ignored it. She raised her other hand to my hair and moved herself even closer. "Bella, what are you doing?"

"Is this all right?" she asked inching even closer. I started to back away and opened my eyes.

"Just tell me what you want to do first, I'll tell you if it's ok."

"I want to kiss you, Edward."

"How?"

"Like our first time."

I let my thoughts drift back to that night. It had been so good at first and then I had ruined the moment. But with good reason. I didn't want to hurt her. I had been so close to taking her, but I thrown myself back into a wall in a desperate attempt to get away. If I could control this moment maybe it wouldn't be as dangerous, it might be… Enjoyable. God knows I want to kiss her like that again. No matter how painful her taste is.

"All right."

Bella inched into my lap and I bowed my head back as she leaned over me, taking my neck in her hands and kissing me. I let my hands fall to her waist as one of her wound into my hair, massaging my scalp. I started to push her down on the chaise, her legs folding beneath us and moving to the side. I laid myself on top of her as much as I could, rubbing her back through her thin shirt. She felt so good and tasted even better. She didn't try to push my mouth open this time. She was controlling herself. I was impressed.

Her breathing hitched as I moved my lips to her neck, but I didn't stay there long. I pressed my mouth to hers again. Suddenly the need to feel all of her overwhelmed me and I felt beneath us for her legs. I pulled them free pushing my knee between hers to part them so I could lay between them. She obliged too willingly, knowing this was only a need for proximity. I pressed my body down on hers kissing her harder.

Her fingers laced themselves tighter into my hair and her breathing picked up suddenly. She wanted more, I just didn't know if I could give it to her right now. But I could try. I parted my lips against hers and she responded in the same way. The intensity of her tongue against was too much and I pulled back.

"I tried." I whispered, breathless.

Bella lay there panting for a moment, staring up into my eyes. Hers were darker than I'd ever seen them before, dark with want.

"I know." She breathed. "That's all I ask for." She started to sit up and I moved back so she could. "Edward, thank you. What you just did told me so much."

"It took enormous effort, Bella."

"I can appreciate that better now. Knowing how hard it is for you." She reached for my hand and I let her take it. "I should head home. Charlie will be home soon and I need to clean before we go out for dinner."

"Not cooking tonight?"

"No, I promised him just 'us' time tonight. He said he wanted to just talk for a while. Get to know why you're so important to me. Without you there."

"I can understand that." I said quietly, looking at our hands.

"But you'll be over later?" she didn't look up from where I was toying with her fingers with my own, wrapping them around hers every other second and then letting them go.

I looked up into her eyes with a soft, sincere smile. "Of course I will. Do you think I could let you sleep alone?"

"Only before you knew me." She answered.

I raised her hand to my mouth and kissed each finger before kissing her palm and then pressing it to my dead heart. I saw tears well up in her eyes at my motion. "Bella, before I knew you there was nothing to my life. And now there's everything. You are my everything."

She raised her other hand to my face to stroke my cheek. "And you're mine." She whispered softly.


	5. Surrender

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ReddTwilight

~*~*~*~*

Chapter 5: Surrender

Edward's Point of View

Things only improved so much after our conversation. But as time went by over the next week, things also got worse. It had been hard enough "bearing my soul" to her, and I wouldn't have been able to do it if she hadn't been holding my hand the entire time, but now that I had her aware of how much danger I posed to her she didn't stay quite as close to me. Which was what I had feared would happen. Whenever I asked her if it was because she was afraid of me now, she always shook her head and told me she was just trying to make things easier and less painful for me.

That just wasn't the case. It made things that much harder, and I just don't have the heart to tell her that. When she's close I can force control on myself, having her scent so unbearably warm around me, but when she pulls back… I just want to grab her and yank her into an embrace from which I would never let go. Sometimes the urge becomes so strong that I need to walk away for a minute, and doing that only makes Bella move further away from me.

I was losing her, in a way I didn't want to. My inability to control myself around her was driving a wedge between us. I could see every time I looked in her eyes. I still kissed her, still held her every night as she slept, but… I wanted more, I wanted everything. I just couldn't have it. I was too afraid to reach out and take it. Because I knew if I did, I would only hurt Bella in return.

She kept telling me that I didn't that would actually happen until I tried. Several times we curled up together on the chaise in my room and watched the sun set out the window, sometimes making out, but I would push her back when started to go too far. I could tell it hurt her every time, and I would always draw her back into my arms and hold her. I hated to see that pain in her eyes and I wished fervently that was something I could do to make it go away.

"I know something you can do." Bella said one afternoon about a week after our conversation. It was a Friday evening and the sun had yet to begin to set behind the clouds that had hung overcast all day. Charlie was gone for the weekend already on a fishing trip. Bella and I were alone in her room. Completely alone.

"I think you mean something that 'we' can do, Bella." I said from where I lay on her bed, arms across my chest as I watched her finish a paper that was due Monday. "And that's not going to happen."

"No, I mean you." She said looking at me. She turned her gaze back to her keyboard and kept typing from the notebook she had written her rough draft in.

"I could finish that for you and be done in substantially less time."

Bella answered without looking up from her typing. "I know that, and I would love nothing more than for you to type this for me, believe me, I hate typing. But if you were to finish my paper for me copying what I've already written, you would wind up changing words and sentences around and then Mr. Mason would know you wrote it. Nobody has a style like yours, Edward." She turned to look at me over her shoulder with a sultry smile that I knew instantaneously was not deliberate. She must have realized the way she was looking at me and her smile suddenly dropped as she turned back to her laptop.

"So when you're finished…"

"Which will be very soon, I promise. Just two more paragraphs and I'll take a break."

"So when you're finished," I began again, "What would like to do?"

"Uh… I think we were talking about somethin you could for me." She said, her fingers stroking the keys with a rhythmic clacking sound. Damn, she hadn't dropped it. I was so hoping the topic of her paper would sway her mind. Who was I kidding?

"Ah, right." I got off the bed slowly and walked to stand behind her chair. She stopped typing as I approached and turned her head to look up at me. She gasped when she realized how close I was. She started to inch back, but I grasped her shoulder gently. "Bella, please, you have to stop doing that. It only makes things harder for me."

Oh no. The one thing I didn't want to say to her and it had just slipped.

"You could have told me that a lot sooner, Edward. You really do enjoy being in pain, don't you?" Her voice was acid, and it made my heart ache to hear it.

"I'm sorry, Bella." I said meaning it. She seemed to believe because her eyes softened and she closed them as I ran my hand along the side of her face and back into her hair. She sighed softly, her breath washing over me.

"I wish you would let me do this sort of thing to you more often." She sighed.

"Do you want to?" I asked cautiously, not for myself, but to make sure she was comfortable.

"You know I want to." She responded.

I turned her chair so she was facing me and I scooped her up from it. She didn't object as I carried her over to the bed and sat down with her in my lap. It was a position we had become comfortable with and was in no way tense anymore, despite how close she was.

"Edward, are you sure this is ok? I don't want to make things harder."

I stared into her lovely brown eyes full of concern and worry and reached out to brush some hair behind her ear. I wanted her more now than I ever had before. I wanted to lay her down, run my hands along her body and mark every last inch of her creamy skin with my lips. I knew she desperately craved the same thing, but it just wasn't a possibility.

"The only way this will get harder is if you leave."

"Hey, I usually say things like that." She smiled.

"No, I usually say things like that, you just think them."

"I thought you said you can't hear my thoughts." She adjusted in my lap so she was almost on her knees, facing me, her arms around my neck.

"I can't. But I can see it on your face. Hear it in your voice. Feel it in…" She interrupted me suddenly, pressing her mouth to mine. I kissed her back, finishing my thought as she pulled away. "…Your kiss. I know you want this as badly as I do. If not more."

"Edward, I've never had such a strong, unrelinquishing desire in my entire life. If I had any doubts that this wasn't right, that it's not what I want, and by that I mean you, Edward, then I wouldn't be throwing myself at you like this. Verbally, of course. I would never physically throw myself at you. I'd probably get hurt trying." She laughed lightly, trying to erase some the tension that I could see was building up inside her.

But it was building it up on top of tension that had already been there and was threatening to make her explode. I didn't know what would happen if she kept it buried much longer, and I didn't want to see it happen. I didn't like her like this. I didn't like feeling so damn helpless to her cause.

As I stared into her eyes I knew I felt the same tension building in my own body. It had been building since the first moment I saw her, but had moved past bloodlust to just pure lust. Pure, untainted, raw lust. The smell of her so close, her adrenaline pumping so hard was making my mind blind to everything but her. Images of her laid out on her bed, her hair swept above her in a fan and me hovering over her, our mouths moving together in passionate unison.

"Bella, what is it that I can do for you, to ease this?" I asked, tightening my hold around her, drawing her closer. I ignored the stabbing burn that seized my throat and the painful ache in my loins. "The…The uneasiness that you feel around me now."

Her voice was barely above a whisper. "It's no uneasiness, Edward. It's… Compassion. I feel so wretched every time I want to be close to you, knowing it causes you such utter pain, and you just draw me closer. I don't like making you suffer, I don't like watching you suffer. It breaks my heart."

I held her close as her voice began to crack and break and felt the moisture of her tears through my shirt. "You have no reason to feel that way. It's only human that you want to be closer to me."

"Only human…" she repeated looking up at me incredulously. "Edward… I can't help it. I love you. I need to be near you, but I hate what I do to every time that I am."

I folded her head back against my chest. "But you shouldn't." I whispered comfortingly to her. "Don't I have the same effect on you?"

"Yes," she choked out between a sob. She wiped the tears from her face and looked up at me again. "But the regrettable difference is that I don't feel a need to drink your blood, Edward. I don't have that burn in my throat."

I shifted one hand to lay it across her abdomen. The gesture made her flinch, startled by my sudden movement, but my touch made her gasp. "No, you have it elsewhere." I whispered to her. I felt her hand slide down to grasp the waist of my pants. "Yes, I have it, too. And believe me, Bella, it burns."

"Then why are we still sitting here?"

"Because we just can't do that. We just can't."

"Why?" Bella shouted. She was out of my lap and off the bed on her feet faster than I thought possible for her, without tripping or falling. Her sudden rage seemed to give her a new balance. "Edward, why do you deny yourself?"

"I could kill you, Bella. I'm just too strong."

Bella huffed out an aggravated breath and went to sit under her window. She let her head fall between her knees for a moment and then raised it to smack the wall behind her.

"Bella!" I got off the bed and crouched in front of her.

"Don't touch me." She hissed, pushing me away.

"Don't do that to yourself, please. Now you're breaking my heart." I wished I hadn't said it, but I knew there was no other way to make her listen than to be painfully honest.

Bella looked up at me, no tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Edward. I'm just so… Frustrated with this. It's driving me crazy. How can we be so close," she reached a hand out to brush my cheek, "And still not let it go anywhere. I've never been addicted to any kind of drug, but when you let me get close and then push me away… It's so painful. I can only imagine it's what a withdrawal would feel like. I shake, Edward. I'm shaking now."

I could feel the slight tremor in her fingers as they caressed my jaw line. "You have a cold sweat." I said as I ran my hand down the side of her face.

"That's just from crying." She said quietly. It probably was.

"Is it really that painful for you?"

"I don't want to assume things, but yes, it's probably as painful for me as it for you whenever you catch my scent. Whenever it envelopes you."

"Like right now." I took her wrist in my hand and kissed the inside of it. I shut my eyes and breathed the intoxicating perfume of her blood and natural scent. It made my head spin with new visions of her and I caught up in an embrace so passionate, so hot… I shut my eyes tighter and tried to push away the images.

"Then just give in, Edward." Bella sat up a little straighter and let her hand fall. "I feel like I'm forcing you into this. I should stop." She started to get up but I took both her hands in mine and pulled her back down.

"Don't leave. Just stay here, let me… Work this up first."

Bella watched me for a moment as I struggled to find words, or organize thoughts… I didn't even know what I was doing. I was just as confused and frustrated as she was. But with myself, not her, I could never be angry with Bella.

We both remained silent for several minutes as I just stared at her, her beautiful, sad, chocolate eyes staring back. She never said a word, never made a gesture. Finally she broke the silence by reaching up to rub the back of her head.

"That really hurt." She mumbled.

"Are you just feeling that now?" I teased, offering a small, sarcastic smile.

"No, I've been feeling it for the last five minutes. I've just been ignoring it. Ow. I guess I shouldn't do that unless I have a hard head like yours, huh?" She rubbed her head for another moment and then let her hand fall.

I reached up and stroked her hair. "No, you shouldn't. And even if you did have a hard head like mine I still wouldn't want you doing that to yourself. You should never feel any reason to hurt yourself because of me."

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"It's my fault. If I wasn't frustrating you so much with my denial then you wouldn't feel the need to smack your skull into the wall."

"It didn't actually help. I was hoping it would take some of this…Anger away, but it didn't."

I felt my brows draw together as I stared at her. "Anger?"

"Yeah, at myself. I know deep down you're never going to allow physical gratification between us, but every time you pull me close and kiss me… I feel my hopes rising just a little and then they come crashing down. And I know its going to happen every time, and I just keep setting myself up for disappointment." Bella stopped for a moment to take a breath and she looked away from me. "You'd think I would learn by now."

"You always have been very stubborn."

She looked at me and smiled sarcastically for a moment, and then it became her true smile. "True." She said quietly. "I suppose… I suppose I don't want to learn." She reached down and took my hand lifting it in hers and lacing our fingers together. "Because I know that whatever we do that's all it's ever going to be and I should just be happy with that and revel in it." She spoke softly, staring at our hands the whole time.

I couldn't believe I was doing this to her, something I had been working so hard to prevent. Something I'd hoped would never happen. I was making her feel rejected. I placed my finger under her chin and raised her face to mine.

"Bella, is this what you truly want?"

"Don't make yourself do this because you feel sorry for me, Edward, or because you feel some kind of guilt for always telling me no."

"I'm not." I said sincerely, staring straight into her eyes.

"I understand that we can't. I understand why. You're a vampire, you're too strong, I know. You could easily break me like snapping a dry twig."

"I'm glad you understand and see the danger in it, Bella, but you also know that I want it, too. That the fire burns for me like it does for you. And it burns for me so much stronger, Bella."

"Then let's just do this, Edward. Let's just see what happens." Her voice pleaded with me, her eyes dark.

I sighed and took her hand lacing our fingers together again. She looked down at the floor and sighed, dejectedly. "Bella, we can't be so cavalier about this. We can't 'just see happens'."

"Then let's at least try, Edward, please. I don't want beg."

I chuckled and stroked her hair again. "You're not going to have to." I whispered.

"Edward," she gazed at me longingly, "Are you sure?"

I didn't hesitate with my answer.

"Yes."


	6. Abandon

ENJOY!!!!

ReddTwilight

~*~*~~*~*

Chapter 6: Abandon

Edward's Point of View

I could feel my walls collapsing as soon as I took Bella in my arms. Letting my guard down was not an easy things for me. She responded hesitantly, still not sure if I was 'for real' about this, as she put it. But she let me draw her up onto her bed and lay her atop my body as we stretched out together. We hadn't kissed yet. I could tell she was more nervous about me pushing her away than being nervous about having sex.

I wish I could say the same. I was more afraid of losing control than I was about losing my virginity. I didn't care about that. I cared about hurting her. I told her quietly as she pressed her head against my shoulder, her breathing quiet bust fast, that if things started to get too intense we were going to have to stop. She nodded.

I picked her head up off my shoulder and held her face between my hands as I leaned up and kissed her.

"Edward, you're absolutely sure?" she asked pulling away from me suddenly.

"Yes, I'm sure, Bella. Now, shhh…." I leaned up and kissed her again. This time she gave in, but she went slowly. I did as well. Neither one of us knew what we were doing; we didn't have any experience with this. I drew her closer wanting to feel all of her on me. I threaded my fingers through her hair holding her to me and kissing her harder.

Bella responded naturally now, her knees falling to either side of my body. I let my hands fall to her arms and I held her gently as I pushed upwards against her until we were both sitting. When I started to turn us so I could lay Bella on her back, she pulled away from me.

"This isn't too far?" she asked, half turned in my lap.

"Bella, stop worrying. You'll know if I need to stop. Just lay down, sweetheart."

She let go of me and lay down on her back. "It' all right." I whispered. "I'm in control right now."

"I trust you."

Her words gave me confidence. I leaned down supporting myself on my arms and kissed her. Her hands went straight for the bottom of my shirt and she started to yank it up my body. I broke away from her and pulled it off. I sat back on my knees and started working on my belt while she pulled her own long-sleeved shirt off and tossed it off the bed onto the floor. I got my pants off and reached for the button on her jeans. Her breathing had quieted significantly. It was unusually calm, but her heart was frantic.

She lay there watching me undo her jeans through her long lashes, her hand coming up to stroke my hair. I pulled them down her legs keeping eye contact with her then reached down, still not looking away from her captivating eyes as I pulled both her socks off and mine.

I laid down pressing my body firmly against hers but not enough that I would crush her. The air whooshed out of her with an edge of desire in it and she shook beneath me.

"You're cold." She whispered, her hands finding their way into my hair again.

"Sorry. I assume you don't want the blanket."

"Are you kidding?" She swiped one hand through my hair. "All I want is you." She leaned up slowly, closing the small space between our mouths, keeping hers open under mine. I wrapped one arm around her body, reaching up her back to undo he bra and toss the garment aside. She gasped loudly, thumping her head back against the pillow, but brought it up immediately to kiss me again.

Her hands traveled from my hair down my neck, down my back stroking along my spine… The sensation sent shivers cascading down my body. Her hands traveled further down, slipping down my back into my shorts and pushing the material down my legs. I shook against her as I kicked them off, unable to believe I was allowing her to touch me like this.

I couldn't believe I was allowing myself to be unguarded. Control, Edward, I told myself. I wrapped my arm tighter around her slipping my hand down her back to push her underwear off. We parted from each other again, very reluctantly this time, and I pulled the final clothing barrier down her legs and tossed it off the bed.

Her breath caught as I hovered above her, my own breathing becoming ragged. She looked down the length of my naked body and then back, her hand stroking my chest. "You're beautiful, Edward." She whispered.

"I'm nothing compared to you."

"I'm nothing compared to you, too."

I scoffed quietly and reached out to stroke her hair. "Bella, don't undermine yourself by comparing yourself to me. You are beautiful." I leaned down and kissed her neck, lingering in the place by her ear where I knew she was most sensitive. She gasped.

"You're absolutely sure this isn't "too far" yet?" She gasped as I pulled away.

"No, but I'm willing to keep going."

"Edward, if you can't take it…"

I pressed a finger to her lips. "We have a much bigger challenge coming up in about a second, we'll know then if I can really take it." She nodded and I pulled my finger away. She took a deep, unsteady breath and parted her knees so I could slip between them. She reached up and took my shoulders, taking another deep breath. "This is going to hurt, Bella. There's no away around this kind of pain."

"It's all right, Edward. I'm ready."

I took a deep breath of my own, although I had no need for air, positioned myself properly and pushed forward.

The sensation that washed over me was like nothing I had ever felt in my life and I had to squeeze my eyes shut. It didn't block out the sound of Bella gasping in obvious pain. I felt terrible, but I knew it wasn't my fault. At least I didn't have to see her wince.

But the feeling of our joined bodies was too intense. I couldn't take it after all and I wanted so badly to retreat. There was no way I was going to be able to go through with this. I bit my lip and managed to open my eyes. What I saw made my decision to stop turn from absolute to nonexistent.

Bella lay there, her hair fanned out on the pillow, her eyes open and watching me, their color so dark they were almost black. She had an expression of pure desire on her face. Her hands were still holding my shoulders, and I realized then that she had wrapped a leg around my hip. As I stared down at her I knew in that moment that I wanted was her. I just needed to control myself. I couldn't do this in the position we were in currently, so I took Bella in my arms and lifted her up from the bed.

I kept one arm around Bella's back and one hand in her hair cradling her head as I brought her up with me into a sitting position. We were both breathing harshly now, gasping really, in fear, anticipation, anxiety…

"Edward…" She breathed my name like she couldn't believe this was happening. I know I couldn't.

"Bella, please." I gasped. "Try not to talk. Try not to make any noise beyond breathing."

In the faint light from outside, the sun had set completely, but it was still throwing light across the western horizon and reflecting off the clouds, I could see her nod and shut her eyes as she bit her lip. I didn't know if she was suppressing a moan or trying not to say my name again. I didn't want to know, I didn't want to think about it. I was on a knife's edge right now.

As I had brought her up sit in my lap, her legs wrapped around me, the position had forced our bodies closer and myself even further into her. It was beyond unbearable. I could fall either way from this edge. I could let go completely and give myself over to the physical gratification that I so dearly desired. But in doing that there was the possibility that Bella would not come out of this in one piece.

I could just stop right now. Push Bella back, get up and put my clothes on, and leave. Of the two options I knew which one I would choose. Bur I couldn't choose either of them, both would hurt Bella, either physically or emotionally. And I couldn't do that to her. Not for any reason.

"Lean into me." I regretted the words as soon as they were out of my mouth. I hadn't even thought before saying them. I had just said them. It was the worst thing Bella could do right now. She pressed her body against mine wrapping her arms completely around my neck hanging them down my back and laying her head on my shoulder. As she adjusted herself in m lap her thighs squeezed my hips a little tighter. Good God, her scent was immobilizing. I was frozen there, paralyzed. I sucked in a sharp breath.

"Edward?" Bella breathed against my skin.

"Don't talk, please." I begged, my voice strained.

"No, not that… Would this be easier for you if we weren't on my bed?" she whispered.

I kept my eyes shut tight, my arms binding her to me. "This won't any easier no matter where we are, Bella."

"What about the floor?"

"The floor's cold."

"So are you. Colder, actually." Her voice was so low, sad. I felt something cool and wet against my shoulder then.

"Oh, Bella." I ran a hand up her back and into her hair to pull her away from me so I could look into her eyes. Silent tears ran down her face. "Don't cry, please." I said wiping the tears from her cheeks with m thumb.

"You don't want to do this." She whispered. Her breath washed over me and my throat burned insatiably.

"But you do." I whispered back.

"And it's causing you pain, I can see that. I shouldn't be forcing you into this. I'm sorry." Bella hung her head and heard her sniff. I placed my finger under her chin and raised he face to mine.

"If I really didn't want to do this we wouldn't be like this right now, Bella." I said softly. "You know I want this just as much as you do. You know I want you." I wiped the fresh tears away that had fallen. "Please, don't cry, sweetheart." She sniffed lightly and shook her hair back over her shoulder and then nodded. "Although, I think you're going to have to make the initial movement."

"Why?"

"Would you promise not to laugh?" I smiled uneasily. She nodded earnestly. "I'm scared."

"Control?" she asked. She knew all too well.

"Yeah. I just don't know if I can handle this. I'm having trouble controlling myself right now. You don't know the effort its taking me right now to sit here like this. Just sit here… With you and me… Together." I struggled to find words that sounded right for the moment but not too over the top. "I just want to take you, Bella." My voice was strained again. "Bella,"

She didn't say anything, but resumed the position she had been in when I asked her to lean in. She moved against me then, slowly, but with a little force. I wrapped my arms around her as she repeated the motion, an upward thrust that was gentle but had a lot of passion behind it. I sighed quietly as she repeated the motion a couple more times, remaining still as she rode me. Then I returned it, thrusting back at her just as gently and with just as much passion.

We started extremely slow, trading thrusts back and forth getting to the way our bodies fit together. We were wrapped around each other so tightly it was hard to feel where I ended and she began. I knew my hands had balled into tight fists. I could feel them kneading against Bella's back but she didn't complain. Her hands were shaking terribly where they against the naked skin of my own back.

I moved one hand up into her hair and pulled her from my shoulder. Her hands filled the void, grasping my shoulders as we continued to move against each other. We just stared at each other, her brown eyes searing into mine. I noticed her bottom lip was trembling, whether in fear or pain, I didn't know. I leaned in and kissed her forehead, pressing mine to it when I pulled back. Her eyes were wide with shock, compassion, and love. This was as new and confusing to her as it was to me. I wasn't alone right now in the emotions department. I don't know why I had ever thought I was.

"Oh, Bella." I half whispered, half moaned her name. She bit her lip and shut her eyes again.

I wanted to hear her moan my name in response, but I knew what it would do to me and I knew what would happen as a result. She was being far too tractable and it wasn't fair to her. But she knew the reason behind my request to try and be quiet.

As much as my breath made her dizzy and drove her crazy, hers did the same to me. I couldn't breathe the scent of her, so raw, and listen to her moan at the same time. It would be too, too much and I knew something regrettable would happen. But this was just so unfair. Why do I get to moan her name when she can't reciprocate?

I was being selfish and too cautious. I didn't actually know what the sound of her moaning my name in ecstasy would really do to me, but just the thought of it sent shivers down my spine.

"Bella," I whispered. She looked at me. I swallowed and took a breath letting it out through my nose. "Say my name, Bella."

Her gaze turned to surprise and confusion at once. I shut my eyes in concentration and continued my movements. She met them beat for beat without missing one. We still moved slowly. "Say it." I hissed quietly, "Out loud."

I felt her shudder. The last time I had said that to her, the same exact way, she had been confirming her suspicions against what I am. I knew she had figured it out as soon as she walked past me that day without meeting my gaze or saying anything, and walked off toward the woods. I had followed and listened, once we were deep enough into the trees, as she rattled off in a shaky breath all the facts she had surmised about me.

When she finally breathed the word that labeled my existence all I could ask her was if she was afraid. She'd hesitated, but had at least looked me in the eyes when she said no. I'd believed, her but only partially. She trusted me in an instant when I demanded from her an answer to the basic question of 'what do we eat?'. She'd needed to see the real me, I'd dragged her for a moment before throwing her across my back and running her up the mountain. She'd needed to see me in the sunlight, see me for what I really was before I could allow her to make the decision of whether or not she truly was afraid.

"Say it." I hissed again quietly.

"Edward." She breathed my name, relief flowing through her. I could feel it in the way her body relaxed suddenly against mine, as if some weight on her mind had finally been lifted. She threw her arms around my neck and clutched to me burying her face in my shoulder again.

"Edward!" She gasped my name loudly. I bucked forcefully against her. I was expecting that. It was the exact reaction I knew I would have to hearing her say my name like that.

She threw her head back and breathed loudly, her body becoming languid in my arms. She was the leaving the power to me, giving me control. I bucked again, controlled this time, and grunted quietly. It felt so good. After more than a hundred years of suppressing this primal craving, this primal urge… It felt unbelievably good to satiate it.

I could feel my dam weakening, but I wouldn't let it break. If I did that I would cause Bella serious injury and I forbade myself from ever letting that happen.

We remained sitting up for a long time, our movements slowly becoming harder, faster. The desire building between us. It got to the point where I had to lay Bella down on her back and support myself above her on my arms. Her body remained wrapped around mine, her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. I pushed against her and she pushed back, our moving in unison together.

I parted from her and bucked a little harder, drawing out a little bit more and pushing back in a little bit further. She threw her head back against the pillow breathing hard in protest against a loud moan. I attached my lips to her neck and held them there for several long moments as we moved together now. We'd finally found a rhythm that wasn't too fast but also not painfully slow. It allowed us to keep pace with each other and feel every movement the other made.

I could feel an ache in my loins building, a tight coiling at the base of my spine. It was a fire, not like the burn in my throat, but something much more intense than that although not as painful. It had started low in my belly and kept moving down. It was raw desire, raw passion that was flooding through me. It felt so good, almost like running, like flying.

It was becoming more and more intense with each moment that passed and I knew I wasn't going to e able to contain it much longer. I increased the force of my thrust experimentally and the desire that ripped through me felt so damn good I did it again with a loud grunt. Bella responded below me with the same force. I grunted now with each thrust, burying my face in the pillow beside her head. I felt her lips latch on to my neck and I roared at the sensation of her tongue against my skin.

I pushed against her hard enough to slam her into the wall, but I controlled myself. I heard her take in a sharp breath and I knew I must have hurt her but she didn't tell me to stop. She told me to do it again.

"Harder." She whispered in my ear.

"I can't, Bella, I'll hurt you again." I groaned into her pillow.

"You didn't hurt me the first time. It felt too good, do it again, Edward, harder."

I groaned again and let out a fierce growl as I rocked my hips against hers and she returned it.

"Edward," Bella breathed my name against my neck as we resumed our rhythm, our motions calming, but not slowing. The warmth of her breath against my skin where she had just licked it nearly made me lose my control and I had to shout in my mind to keep it.

The fire in my loins was becoming unbearable. I couldn't contain it any longer. I started shoving against her, wrapping her up in my arms and holding her close. I could feel my teeth sinking into something soft and I prayed it wasn't her. But I tasted no blood, there was no sweetness. She breathed wildly underneath as the passion that tore through me unloaded into her body. She gasped out loud as I began to slow, my thrusts becoming spaced out and less intense. When I finally stopped and let her go I looked down at her.

Bella was in one piece, her skin flushed and damp, and her eyes dark and lustful. She looked up at me, her expression pure love. She shut her eyes and sighed loudly. "Edward," she breathed out opening her eyes and running a hand back through her hair. "Oh my God," she breathed. "That was… That was…"

"I know." I whispered. I started to lift off her but she grabbed my shoulders holding me in place.

"Not yet." She breathed. "I want to still feel you… Inside…" she continued to breathe hard for a moment. "It just feels so right… So… Perfect. Edward, I… I just can't… You… Oh God." She caught her breath and I remained still in her hands waiting patiently. "Edward…"

"Bella."

She grabbed my neck and pulled me down so I was flush on top of her and kissed me passionately. This time I allowed her to push my mouth open and I slipped my tongue across hers. The moan that rose up from within her made me kiss her harder, crushing my lips to hers. I rolled us over without breaking the connection between our bodies and quickly adjusted us so we didn't roll off her bed. We continued kissing just as passionately, Bella's body stretched atop mine now, until the kiss became lazy. Bella snuggled her head against my chest wrapping her arms tightly around me.

I let my hand stroke up and down her back as I began humming her lullaby. She whispered how much she loved me and was then out in minutes. Now I could lay here and think.

What had just happened? What had I just allowed? There was no going back after tonight. Yes, it had been passionate, intimate, and too damn good. But I sorely wished, as I lay there staring up at the ceiling, that there was a way to forget it all.

It was going to be too hard to come back after tonight. I didn't know if I could. The feelings I had just experienced were too much, too intense. I would never be able to lie here next to her while she slept and not think of rolling her over and taking her as hard and fast as I could.

I couldn't hurt Bella like that, and I regretted having to hurt her in any other way, but I just didn't see how I was going to be able to come back…


	7. Lithium

I take no credit for the song "Lithium" in this chapter, it belongs to my favorite band Evanescence.

ENJOY!!!!

ReddTwilight

~*~*~*~*~*~

Chapter 7: Lithium

Edward's Point of View

I stood there watching Bella sleep peacefully, her breathing even and steady. Her stomach rose and fell underneath the gray sleep shirt I had put on her. I'd also dressed her in black sleep pants. I'd dressed myself as well and now stood at her bedside as she slept quietly, one arm thrown up on the pillow and one arm across her stomach.

I despised myself right now for what I was to do. I was about to leave her, but not detach myself from her. I just needed to go home. I needed to talk to Carlisle.

I leaned over and kissed her forehead softly, smoothing back the hair that fell across her eyes.

"Good morning." She sighed opening her eyes.

Oh no. I was hoping to leave without her waking up. This had just gotten twice as hard.

"Good morning." I responded quietly.

"Why aren't you in bed with me… and..." Bella sat up slowly looking at me in confusion, "Why are you dressed?" There was a hint of fear in her voice. "Are you leaving?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I have to. I need to go, Bella." She reached for my hand but I shuffled back. "Bella, I'm not saying 'goodbye I'll never see you again', I'm saying 'goodbye I'll see you later'."

She looked away from me for a moment hugging her knees to her chest. She realized then that she was clothed. "You dressed me?" she asked examining the gray tank top she was wearing. I nodded. Something about that fact seemed to upset her but she didn't say what. She lifted her eyes to mine. "Will you be back tonight?"

I'd feared that question more than I'd feared her waking up. "I don't know, Bella." I answered honestly. "I need to go home, though. I need to… Talk."

"So talk to me." She prompted, shrugging her shoulders.

I shook my head. "I can't talk to you. I need to talk to Carlisle." I looked down at her with sympathy.

"So I wake up after the most wonderful night of my life and you're not even in bed with me, and top of that you're leaving?" Her voice broke on the last word.

I felt absolutely wretched now, but I had to leave. I bent taking Bella's face in my hands and thumbed away the tears that caressed her cheeks. "I love you, Bella. I love you." I repeated the words putting emphasis on them. "I'm not leaving you permanently. I'm just leaving for now. I'll see you again soon, but I just have so much going through my mind and I need to talk to Carlisle about it. I have questions that need to be answered."

"Can I come with you?"

"No. Stay here and rest. Please." I kissed her tenderly, and then kissed her forehead again. "I'm so sorry I'm doing this to you, but I have to go."

"Fine, Edward. Go." The finality of her words stung me and I dropped my hands to the bed. I deserved the acid in her voice. "Just go."

"Please believe me when I say I wish it wasn't like this right now." Bella didn't respond. "Bella, please."

"I believe you, Edward." She said quietly, not looking at me. She got up from the bed and went over to her closet to pick out clothes for the day. I sighed as I watched her knowing I wasn't going to get another response from her.

I tightened my grip on the material in my hand and turned to face her window.

"I love you, Edward." She said quietly. I turned to see her facing me, her clothes in her hands, but she was looking at the floor. I crossed the space between us and lifted her face to kiss her.

"I have no right, right now, to do that. But I had to. I can't leave knowing that you fee like this. Please, Bella."

"It' all right. I'll be fine. Just promise you'll comeback today."

"I promise." She smiled and stood on her toes to kiss me. I stroked her hair when we parted. "I'll see you later." I smiled at her and turned back to her window. I crossed the room and leaped through it landing on the ground less than a second later and I took off.

I cursed myself the whole time I ran to my house. Her acceptance was more than I deserved. Her patience was too unconditional. I was reminded of her yelling at me once about why was I SO nice. Why did I have to be SO understanding? Why wasn't I yelling at her, calling her names? Because she hadn't deserved it, because it hadn't been necessary. I understood enough in the situation to forgive and forget.

I halted as I reached my house, my thoughts stopping as I did. That's what Bella was doing right now. Forgive and forget. Although I was sure she wasn't going to be able to forget this. She was turning into me in this department.

Carlisle wasn't expecting me when I knocked on his office door a few moments later, although I knew he could hear he walking up the stairs, hear the frustration in my breathing. He called for me to come in and was just setting down the text in his hands on his desk as I walked in.

"Sit," he offered politely, gesturing to the chairs in front of his desk, his voice even and calm.

"I'd rather stand." I said tersely. Sitting was for those who had dignity. There was no dignity in leaving Bella the way that I had. I was despicable.

"What's wrong, Edward?"

"I… I had sex with Bella last night."

"Hm," Carlisle leaned back in his chair for a moment, taking in my posture. I stood straight, but I know I looked defeated and miserable. "Is she all right?"

I knew he was really asking if she was still alive. "Yes. I did bite her mattress, though. It can easily be hidden with a pillow."

"That's not my concern. Edward," He got up from his chair and gestured for me to please sit. "You look like you're going to fall down, please, son." I finally sat in one of the chairs facing his desk and he walked over to sit in the other, facing me. "Were you two extremely physical?"

"Define extreme."

"You know what I mean."

"Then, no. But it was… Intense."

Carlisle offered me a small smile of empathy. "Yes, it can be. More so especially for us because we have such heightened senses." He spoke calmly to me, knowing how upset I was. "But the important part is, you didn't hurt her. Was she happy after?"

"Extremely." I smiled to myself at the memory of Bella laying there unable to wipe that stupid, goofy grin from her face as she caught her breath. "She looked… Very satisfied."

"Then you should be happy, too." Carlisle's brows furrowed as he asked me, "Why did you leave her?"

I took a deep breath before continuing. "The smell from the night before lingered everywhere this morning. I had to get out of there it was just too overpowering. If I had stayed…" I couldn't finish my thought. I knew what would happen if I had stayed. I would have jumped Bella and taken her.

"Did you two use any kind of protection?"

"No, we don't need to. Bella's on medication. I found the pills in her nightstand once and she explained that a few years ago… complications had happened."

"What kind of complication, Edward, or did she not explain."

"No, she did. It was just really embarrassing for her. She said it was genetic and there was no way around it. She had a ruptured cyst on her right ovary. Said she woke up in the middle of the night in blinding pain, couldn't even walk."

"They can be quite painful. Her mother must have had the same problems at Bella's age."

I sighed. "Yeah, that's what she said. And she said she's on the medication to help "quiet" the complication, or so she calls it. She hasn't had any problems since."

Carlisle let out a breath and rose from his seat to sit behind his desk again. "Well, that's one problem you two don't have to stress over right now. Do you think you can go back to her tonight?"

I got up from the chair I was in and started walking around Carlisle's office staring at the books on his shelves and perusing random titles. They were mostly medical texts. "I don't know. I think I might have to stay away for a while. But just at night. The temptation is too strong right now. All these feelings…"

"They quiet after a while, you learn to balance them with your other urges, but yes, they are extremely intense and hard to control in the beginning." I could Carlisle's eyes on me as I walked the perfect square of his office. "You need to go back to Bella and explain this to her. You can't leave her wondering."

"I know," I answered quietly. "I'm going to, but… I think right now I just need to be alone." I turned and headed for the door.

"Edward," I turned and faced Carlisle again. "You can control yourself. Last night is a perfect example of that."

I breathed inwardly. "Yeah," I said on the exhale, and shut his office door behind me.

I shut my bedroom door as well. I didn't need to lock it, they would all know to leave me alone just with the door being shut. I pulled purple material I had taken from Bella's room from my jacket and held the pillowcase up to my nose. I collapsed onto my chaise burying my face in it, the flames engulfing my throat. I tried desperately hard not to picture Bella's soft neck as my teeth sunk into the thin cotton material.

~*~*~*

I returned to Bella's later that evening and sat in the tree outside her window as I watched her move around, picking things up in her room and placing them elsewhere. She picked up clothes absentmindedly throwing them in her hamper and walked away, only to throw her hands up and walk back to begin pawing through the clothes. She gave up after a moment and finally walked over to her bed where she collapsed wrapping herself up in the purple sheet and beginning to cry softly.

"Don't cry." I said from her window. I had moved over from the tree as soon as she had fallen on her bed.

"Edward." She turned at the sound of my voice to look at where I sat crouched on her window sill. I jumped down noiselessly and walked over to sit next to her on the bed. It was dusk out, the sun almost set behind the thick cloud cover.

"I'm so sorry about this morning, Bella. I know there's no excuse…" She silenced me by pressing her lips to mine and pulling her down on top of her as he back hit the mattress. She moaned quietly against my mouth for a moment I responded, opening my mouth against hers and letting her slide her tongue across mine.

I pulled back then staring down at her and stroking her hair. "Bella, I have to explain something to you. This is going to be very hard for you to hear, I understand that."

Bella looked at me with sudden confusion and fear. "Oh no, Edward, please." Her voice was quiet and weak.

I put two fingers to her lips to silence her. "I'm not staying tonight. And I'm not coming back at night for a while." Bella pushed me off of her and we sat up facing each other.

"Why? Did I do something wrong? Edward, please don't say that."

"Last night… Was amazing, Bella. But it was also too intense for me. I almost bit you." I reached around her and pulled her pillow away from where it hiding the mark of my teeth in her mattress. She turned to look at it and gasped at the depth of it. I was lucky I hadn't ripped part of the mattress off. "I can't take that chance again." I said putting the pillow back. "Not until I learn some self-control."

I saw her lips quiver, but she nodded. "You can't just lay here…" she started.

I shook my head. "No. It would be far too tempting."

"Edward, please. You can't do this." She begged grabbing my hand.

I flinched internally. The pain in her voice was too much. "We'll still see each other at school. I'm not abandoning you, Bella." I ran a hand down her face.

"Feels that way." She muttered angrily.

"And I'm truly sorry for that, but I just don't trust myself. Not right now."

Bella sat there silently, looking away from me for several long minutes, and then she suddenly jumped up. "I just remembered I made plans with Jacob." She said moving around her room looking for something.

"Who?" I asked quietly, getting off the bed and watching her.

"A friend of mine." She shrugged a coat on and ran a brush through her hair then grabbed her keys and wallet and IPod off her dresser.

"Bella, wait, I want to talk about this." I said walking over to her.

"I can't right now. I have to go, Edward." She said rushing through the sentence. "You told me this morning you didn't know if you would be coming back tonight so I made plans to have dinner with a friend. I promised I wouldn't be late. I have to go."

She rushed from the room not looking at me and not closing the door behind her. I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye before she disappeared. I heard her feet on the stairs and the front door open and close loudly, almost slam. I heard her truck start in the driveway and turned to watch her pull out from the driveway and take off. I could her unmistakable voice singing along with whatever song she was blasting through her IPod.

All I knew was that the song was about pain, physical pain, and it reflected in her voice.

Bella's Point of View

I hated lying to Edward but I had to get out. I had no plans with Jacob, no dinner date. I just needed to get out. I needed to get away from him. From his apologies, from his eyes, from him… The pain was just too much and I needed to breathe air free from his mouthwatering scent.

I can understand that he needs to learn control but what better way than t force himself to be near me? To force the reminder of control on himself and back into his mind?

Angry tears ran down my face as I rushed down the stairs shoving the ear buds in and switching my IPod on. I'd purposely left my bedroom door open, praying he would come after me, pull me into his arms and drag me back to my room. But he didn't.

I turned my IPod to a song that I knew would help me and hit PLAY as soon as I was in my truck. I didn't look up at my window as I drove away, singing the song as hard and loud and with as much emotion as I could.

"Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow. Oh but God I want to let it go. Come to bed to make me sleep alone. Couldn't hide the emptiness you let it show. Never wanted it to be so cold. Just didn't drink enough to say you love me. I can't hold on to me. Wonder what's wrong with me. Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow. Don't want to let it lay me down this time. Drown my will to fly. Here in the darkness I know myself can't break free until I let it go. Let me go. Darling, I forgive you after all anything is better than to do be alone. And in the end I guess I had to fall. Always find m place among the ashes. I can't hold on to me. Wonder what's wrong with me. Lithium- don't want to lock me up inside lithium- don't want to forget how it feels without lithium- I want to stay in love with my sorrow. Oh but God I want to let it go…"

~*~*~*~*~*


	8. Feel

ENJOY!!!!

ReddTwilight

~*~*~*~*

Chapter 8: Feel

Edward's Point of View

Two weeks, I stayed away for two weeks. I saw her in school of course, and in the afternoon when we did homework together. I could tell my proximity was doing nothing to ease the obvious tension she was feeling in our relationship, but I know scooting my chair any closer to hers would have disastrous.

I never came back at night, to lie in her bed with her at least. I sat outside in the tree watching her protectively through the window that she always kept open for me, but as soon as I got to her house I would shut it quietly. I couldn't risk her scent being blown in my direction.

The first few nights were tortuous pain as I watched and smelled her cry herself to sleep. I hated every part of my being, every iota of my existence for the pain I was putting her through. Why couldn't I just learn some fucking control?

What was so hard about it? I spent fourteen nights, leaving once she was dead asleep and I had lingered longer than my sanity could possibly allow, burying my face in the pillowcase I had stolen from her bed. The fragrance that clung to it burned my throat past anything I had ever forced myself to endure before.

I shuddered each time my teeth sunk into the thin cotton material, my venom soaking through. You'd think that by forcing her scent up my nose for so long I could move past the scorching in my throat and grow immune to the pain. That it would just feel normal at one point every time I inhaled. No, not even close. It only made it worse.

There had to be something I could do… There had to be some way to kill this fire.

It was then, I realized, that the true fire was not burning in my throat. It had been fourteen nights without her next to me, without her soft, warm body wrapped up in my arms. I was burning more for her than I was for her blood.

I wanted her more than anything else. I realized that by satiating my craving for her I could bear the pain in my throat. But to use Bella that way was just too low. Lower than I imagined I could ever sink. She was not a scapegoat to my pain that I could just use every time the craving for her blood became too strong. She was so much more than that; someone who deserved to be worshipped for the beauty that she was.

I lay there on my chaise that Friday night thinking of her face, thinking of her hair, her eyes, her lips… Her throat. I grabbed her pillowcase where it lay next to me and tossed it aside. It was bitten over two dozen times, the venom leaving darker, silvery stains in some places where I had bit down harder and held it in my mouth longer as the fire receded...

I couldn't take it anymore. I got up and jumped from my window and began to run.

~*~*~*

It was nearly dark out when I reached Bella's house. I didn't Charlie's cruiser in the driveway. That was good. I jumped up the tree by Bella's window and leapt through the window landing noiselessly on her wood floor. She was passed out on her bed, dressed her sleep clothes already, although it wasn't even six yet. The gray tank top she wore was the same one I had dressed her in. She wore matching shorts, from what I could see of her legs under the blanket.

Her face was turned toward me and I noticed the dark circles under her eyes. Pain immediately struck my heart and I wondered how many sleepless nights she had had. I crossed to her bed and sat on the edge of it facing her, leaning over her while supporting myself on one arm. I reached out and gently brushed some hair away from her face. She had pulled the rest of it up into a loose ponytail that was currently coming out, probably from thrashing around in her sleep.

She breathed lightly as my fingers brushed across her skin and I saw her hand come up to hold mine to her face. Her eyes squinted for a moment and then she opened them, whispering my name.

"Edward?"

"I'm here." I answered Just as softly.

She opened her eyes fully, taking me in, and the smile that spread across her face made my heart swell. It wasn't her fullest or brightest smile, but it was a happy smile. She didn't say anything for a minute, just smiled softly up at me continuing to hold my hand to her cheek.

"Does this mean you're staying?" She asked hesitantly. I nodded and she smiled again, sitting up in her bed.

"Yes, I'm staying, Bella."

"I'm glad." She let my hand go and continued to just stare at me with her impossibly beautiful eyes. "My bed is too warm without you."

I reached out and stroked her hair. "How many nights haven't you been able to sleep?"

"Thirteen. Tonight would have been fourteen."

Ok, so I had been off by one day. It had been thirteen nights without her. The number didn't matter, though; they had all been equally painful in many ways.

"Where's Charlie?" I asked, not looking away from her.

"Working all night. He called me earlier and told me to just order pizza for myself. There was some kind of accident and they needed three people to stay the nigh to help sort things out. He volunteered, of course."

"Of course." I repeated softly. It was so obvious where Bella got her "suffer in silence" personality from.

I leaned in slowly and placed my lips against hers. She responded just as slowly, letting her hands first travel up my chest and then up my neck and finally into my hair. I moved closer to her pushing her against the wall as I wrapped my arms all the way around her.

We soon found ourselves lying on the bed, Bella's back to the mattress and me stretched out atop her. Could I really do this again? The smell of her, her real smell was so much more potent than that pillowcase. The scent from that thing had started fading after the fifth day. It did absolutely no justice to the real thing.

I could feel Bella's hands working at the buttons on my shirt, and then felt her pushing it down my arms. I gladly shook it off not giving a damn where it landed. I wrapped my around her again holding her close but not crushing her to me. She was working my pants open now, but not rushing. She pushed them down as far as she could reach and I let her go for a moment so I could push them off the rest of the way.

She was so willing in my arms. But also so innocent.

I felt for the bottom of her tank top and pulled it slowly over her head. It dislodged her already messed up ponytail and her hair fell out around her head like a brown halo. I was immediately overcome by the desire to make love to her as long and hard as I could. But I wouldn't, not tonight. Tonight was going to be about her. I owed her.

I rolled us over so that I was now on my back and she was lying stretched out on top of me. I never removed my lips from hers except to let her breathe, and even then I just kept kissing her. I found her mouth again and pushed my tongue across hers suppressing the urge to buck upwards at her when she moaned loudly.

I got the drawstring on her shorts undone and pushed them down and off her legs. As I brought my hand back up her body I let it linger, drifting it across her thigh and up her belly, cupping the side of her rib cage and stroking gently. I suppressed another urge to buck at her when she moaned as my hand passed over her bra.

I reached behind her and unhooked the annoying garment, pulling it down her arms and flinging it across the room. We stopped at that point, laying there now both us clad in just underwear. I sat up against the wall a little, her pillows supporting my back. Bella settled herself atop me, her abdomen against my groin. She groaned loudly and I thought I would lose my mind.

"You're so hard."

"You're just noticing?"

"No, I guess I just didn't realize before."

"It's actually a little painful… With these on."

She caught me by surprise as she reached down with both hands and tugged my shorts away. The relief that spread through me left me high.

"Better?" she asked her voice soft and gentle, almost maternal.

"Almost." I whispered. I took her hand and began leading it down my body, over my chest, my stomach, and further down. She gasped.

"Edward, are you sure?" She asked. "Can you control yourself?"

"Yeah. Go ahead, Bella, it's all right." I tipped my head back against the pillow letting her hand go and giving her free rein. The moaned that escaped my lips was deep as her hand made an initial pass. I was raised not to take the Lord's name in vain, but I couldn't help it. "You're hand feels so much different than mine." I moaned, my eyes shut tight. She stopped for a moment and stared at me. I cursed her.

"What?" she asked, a surprised smile spread across her face and her hand continued its exploration.

I sighed and groaned at the same time. "You heard me."

"That's quite a confession, Edward. I didn't think you were the type."

I was silent for several long moments, too caught up in the feel of her warm, soft hand on my hard, icy flesh. It was too much and soon I was moaning her name. She pulled her hand away and I cursed her again. She chuckled quietly and dipped her head to kiss my chest.

"So… Is that what you've been doing every night?" she asked laying her chin on my chest and gazing up at me.

"Not every night." I said sitting up a little more. "Just the past week. Did you ever notice that you're missing a pillowcase?"

"I did. I thought it had gotten lost in the wash. You stole my pillowcase, huh?" Her tone was playful and her eyes soft.

"Yeah, I did." I confessed. "It got to the point where I couldn't help it anymore. I needed something, and I knew coming here would only be catastrophic at the time, so I found another way."

"At least it was a normal, healthy way."

"Hm… Normal." I fiddled with a piece of her hair while she bowed her head and kissed a random pattern up and down my torso.

"You feel so good." She said pressing her cheek to my stomach. "I've missed you." She wrapped her arms around me and hugged herself close.

"I've missed you more." I wrapped my arms around her and rolled us over again so she was pressed against the bed again. "May I?" I asked, my hand hesitating over her abdomen.

"You don't have to ask." She responded running her hand through my hair. I smiled at her and slowly pushed her underwear down. She closed her eyes and sighed. I smiled at her and slowly pushed her underwear down. She closed her eyes and sighed. "Hm…"

I edged closer to her, pushing her further down against the mattress, grasping the underside of her left thigh and pulling it up to my hip. She gasped my name and I almost lost it. She positioned her right leg so lie completely on top of her now. Her whole body was wrapped around mine as I leaned over her and kissed her deeply. I wanted to bury myself in her, just lose myself…

"Do it slow." She whispered.

"Slow?"

"Slow, Edward." She repeated. I didn't know if I could. I held her thigh against my hip and positioned myself properly. I wanted to plunge into her but I reminded myself that I was making this about her tonight. I started sliding in slowly watching as she threw her head with a delighted gasp, her hands finding their way to my shoulders.

"God…" she moaned quietly, her head tossing from side to side when I stopped for a moment. "I didn't know there was so much you."

"I'm not done yet." I chuckled. It made my ego swell in a shallow way, but I shrugged it off and continued pushing into her. She laughed to herself quietly, throwing her head back against the pillow again and sighing deeply. I pushed one last time and exhaled, buried to the hilt.

She chuckled again and moaned in disbelief this time. "Oh… Edward."

I moved my hips against hers a little, but she grabbed my shoulders and told me to stop. "Not yet, I just want to lay here like this for a bit."

"Ok." I relaxed on top of her, my hand absentmindedly stroking her side. "Can I tell you something?"

"Anything." She whispered, her hand finding its way back into my hair. I leaned over her and kissed her, trailing my lips down her neck and back to her mouth.

"Last time… The first time I… Was inside you. The feeling, Bella… It was like nothing I've ever felt before. It was like… Like… Coming home. It felt so good. So right, just like you said."

"That's what I thought. It felt safe, being wrapped up in your arm like that. Like nothing could hurt me, nothing could touch me or cause me pain. Because I know you'll protect me against all of it."

I smiled and kissed the hollow of her throat. "Forever." I promised. I placed the palm of my hand on her stomach and stared down into her eyes. "There's something I want to try. Will you let me?"

"Yes."

I let my hand drift lower down her body, knowing the shivers were from anticipation and no my cool touch. She gasped loudly as my hand found her and her fingers pulled at my hair. "Ah. Edward, oh God."

"Tell me what you feel?" I asked, touching her gently.

"Cold, but its so good."

I swiped my index finger lightly across the little nub and she sucked in a sharp breath. "That made ice shoot down my legs."She whispered breathlessly. I did it again. "Edward…"

"Try not to move, all right?" My voice was soft, but there was a little edge of demand in it.

"I don't know if I can promise that." She moaned, her eyes shut tight, arm flung across her face. I pulled her hand down with my free one and kissed her.

"Just lay still. Don't move. Let me touch you."

She moaned my name again and I fought back the urge to thrust. I continued the light swiping motion with my index finger, barely touching her, not even pressing. Just a light brush back and forth. She remained lying perfectly still, one her hands at the small of my back pressing me closer to her, the other buried in my hair. I watched her face for a few minutes, her thigh rubbing against my hip where it was still pressed against it.

She felt so good. "I'm going to move against you, Bella. Just remain still."

"You are so unfair." She grumbled, but I heard the smile in her voice. I pushed very lightly, but with some force, against her and she gasped loudly throwing her head back. Her arms locked around my neck.

"How did that feel?"

"Amazing." She breathed. "Do it again."

I repeated the motion, not taking my hand from her body. "Bella," I whispered. She opened her eyes to gaze at me, wonder filling them. "I want you to respond to what your body tells you to do right now. Wrap you legs around me, kiss me, scream my name… I don't care. Just don't move with me. Lay there. Just feel." I pushed against her to emphasize that and made another pass with my hand. "Tell me what you feel right now."

"My legs feel numb and cold, but warm at the same time. Like when you get out of the shower and you leave the window open. When you're wet and a breeze blows through, that kind of cold. Oh, Edward…" She thumped her head against the pillow. "Ah!" She gasped again and brought her head up to kiss me, her right leg shifting over making more room for me. I continued to move against her, move my finger against her.

"If you want me to do this harder tell me." I pushed against her again. "This is for you, Bella. This is about you right now. I want you to know how this feels."

"Ah, no, it's… It's perfect the way you're doing it. Keep going." She gasped.

"Bella," I groaned her name and buried my face in her pillow for a moment but I didn't bite it. I picked my head up to look at her, my hair falling into my eyes. She noticed and reached up to smooth it out of the way. I could her body beginning to tense and tremble. Her muscles were bunching in her legs and stomach, her breathing quickening, her heart racing…

A moment later she gasped my name and began convulsing underneath me. I wrapped her up in my arms as tight as I could and rode the wave out with her trying to make it last as long as possible. When she finally stopped I don't know how much later, I slowly lowered back to the bed and hovered above her on m arms as her body calmed from the last few trembles.

She couldn't form a coherent sentence, let alone one word and I chucked at her, swiping my hand across her forehead to smooth away some damp hair. "How do you feel?" I asked when she seemed to have caught her breath.

"Like I'm on a cloud." She breathed gazing up at me. I stroked her hair for a moment and then leaned down and kissed her. She smiled against my mouth and threw her arms around my neck. "I never knew such a feeling could exist, Edward. You make it so much better."

I pulled back from where my lips were currently attached to her neck and quirked an eyebrow. She bit her lower lip.

"I think there's a story behind that statement." I said. She didn't object as I pulled our bodies apart and laid down on my side to face. She rolled to over face her and absentmindedly stroking my chest and stomach.

"Well, let's just say I've been lingering in the shower some mornings. You can't expect me to not want something after having you once."

"I suppose the same goes for me. Over the last two weeks…"

"Thirteen days."

"Close enough. Over the last two weeks I started to realize that I could manage the burn I feel when I catch your scent, because when I'm around you, this other primal burn, much lower than my throat, is so dominating." I sighed and reached out to run my finger down the side of her face . "Of course, I would probably not have that problem if you hadn't forced me into sex in the first place." I teased.

"Yes, but aren't you glad I did? Now you can control your other urge."

"I suppose." I rolled onto my back and felt her inch over to lay her head on my chest. I wrapped her up in my arms holding her close.

"This was the most intimate thing anyone has every shared with me." She bent her head to look up at me, and I bowed mine to meet her eyes. We kissed lazily for several minutes, too languid and, in Bella's case, too tired for anything else.

"I'm supremely glad I can share it with you. There's no one else I would want to share this with. I love you far more than I should, and too, too much to ever want to be anyone else like this."

She smiled at me and bowed her head to snuggle closer. The last thing she did before falling, peacefully, asleep, was leave another random pattern of sweet, light kisses across chest.

She kissed over my heart last.


	9. Three Words

ENJOY!!!!

ReddTwilight

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Chapter 9: Three Words

Edward's Point of View

I did my best not to disturb Bella as I sat up in the morning, but I couldn't bring myself to move very far. The look on her face, where it lay across my chest, was so peaceful I just couldn't move. I lay there watching her, her one arm wrapped around my stomach, running my fingers through her hair. She sighed and moaned softly in her sleep, shifting slightly beside me, but still maintaining the same position. I could feel the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she breathed deep and even in her unconscious state. It was like holding an angel in my arms. There was nothing more perfect than this. Nothing could ever top it.

I glanced around her room with a content sigh searching for a clock. The one on her tiny nightstand read in green LED numbers that it was 8 AM. I groaned internally. Time to get up. Charlie would be home soon and I had to make myself scarce. I bent my head and began placing kisses all through Bella's hair. She moaned in protest but didn't wake.

"Bella?" I said softly, pressing my lips to her hair again. "Bella, sweetheart, time to rise and shine."

"No…" she moaned sleepily, and wrapped her arm around me tighter. "Not yet, too comfy."

"Bella, love we have to get up. Charlie will be home soon and he's going to poke his head in here to check on you. He didn't like leaving you alone last night."

With her eyes still shut she moaned out a sleepy response. "I wasn't alone last night… You were here."

"Yes, but Charlie doesn't know that, nor should he. At least not yet."

"Mm... Hm…" She nodded against chest. She wasn't even close to coherent.

"I have an idea that might perk you up a little." I whispered, my hand beginning to stroke her side,

"What?" she mumbled still making no attempt to move.

"It's Saturday, so why don't we get up, I'll run home…"

"Literally." She interrupted me. I felt her smile against my skin and then she picked her head up and looked at me still smiling.

I chuckled at her and brushed some hair from her face. "I'll run home," I continued, "You can get dressed and I'll come back and get you. Then we can spend the day at my house."

"What do you want to do?" She asked as she began kissing a trail down my chest.

"I was thinking something along the lines of raiding the kitchen for some food for you for the day and then, literally, locking ourselves in my room and… Making love all day?"

"Hm…" she didn't look up at me as she continued her trail down my stomach and then began upwards again. She kissed up my neck with light, full kisses, along my jaw, and finally my lips. I wove my fingers into her hair as I drew her closer holding her against me. "Sounds tempting…" She let her voice fade at the end and began kissing down my neck again. I let her have a few moments and laid there with my eyes shut, stroking her hair as she trailed her mouth down to my stomach and then once more back up again. "I could do this all day, too, you know."

"You can, if you want, but at my house."

She sighed and defeat and smiled teasingly at me as she rested her chin on my chest. "Guess you're leaving me with no choice, huh?"

"Guess not." I took her chin in my hand and pulled her up for another kiss. "How long do you need to get ready?"

"Twenty minutes?"

"Ok. I'll head home and change and raid the kitchen then I'll be back for you. Bring your robe." I glanced over at her closet where an ivory knee-length satin polyester blend robe hung on a peg on the back of the door. From here it looked like silk, but Bella wasn't a silk girl. She wasn't a satin girl either, that probably explained the "blend".

"I hate that one. My mom sent that to me. Can't I bring my terrycloth one?"

"No. That one's more appropriate." I nodded toward the one hanging in her closet.

She sighed, defeated, again. But this time I could hear the mocking edge to it. "Fine, you win." She kissed over my heart and sat up in the bed, only to squeal in surprise as I brought her back down and kissed her passionately.

~*~*~*~*~*

I returned to her house after changing and picking up around my room. I'd cleared the chaise off and hidden the destroyed pillowcase. There was no way I was getting rid of it. I'd found a nice warm blanket in Esmse's linen closet, one that wasn't too thick but would warm enough, and had left it at the foot of the chaise. There wasn't much in the kitchen beyond fruit, Bella hadn't been coming over a lot lately so Esme and Alice had stopped stocking food for her. I'd brought the fruit upstairs and left it away for now.

When Emmett had seen me pawing around the closet for a blanket, and seen the one I had chosen he put one and one together in his mind and I shot him a ferocious glare.

"Chill, Edward. I'm just giving you a hard time." He chuckled as he walked past. I folded the blanket over my arm that point. "It's about time you got a little action, anyway."

"Bite me, Emmett." I mumbled viciously. "Please, I'd love an excuse to throw you to the ground right now."

"I don't think Esme would appreciate you destroying her new paint job." Emmett remarked as he sauntered up to the third floor. He was looking for Rosalie, of course. They were playing another childish game of hide n seek, only this was the adult vampire version of it. The thoughts that crossed through Emmett's mind made me get away as fast as possible. I didn't need to be around when they started, again.

Charlie opened the door when I knocked. "Morning, Edward, you here to whisk her away for the day?" He was trying very hard to be pleasant, I could hear it. He had wanted to try and spend some time with his daughter today, but she had already other plans, thanks to me. So she had talked Charlie into getting some rest.

"You shouldn't be pulling all nighters any way, Dad." I heard her say as she walked down the stairs. She wasn't carrying anything, must have already snuck a change of clothes outside. "Hey," she greeted me with a brilliant smile and I returned it. For a moment it looked like she had stopped breathing. Then she threw her arms around me in a tight hug. She wasn't going to get any closer than that in front of her father.

"Who's the parent here, Bella?" Charlie asked, and he eyed me suspiciously as Bella pulled away from her hug.

"In this household, you are. But it was a different story down in Phoenix." Bella answered seriously. "Bu you know I'm right. You need to get some rest and stop volunteering for graveyard duty."

"Yeah, suppose you're right." Charlie conceded. "I guess I'll go try and lay down for a while. Do you know what time you'll be back?"

"Not a clue. We're spending the whole day together, exploring."

I bowed my head to hide my smirk. Bella certainly had a way with words and expressions. She could lead Charlie to believe one thing while it meant something entirely different.

"Doesn't look like you're dressed for hiking." Charlie observed.

"Oh, we're starting out from Edward's house. I'll get changed there." Bella quickly explained. Again I kept my head bowed to hide another smirk. I did the best I could to keep my body from convulsing with laughter.

"All right. Well, have fun, and try to not to get hurt." Charlie eyed me again but I looked up when a moment before and responded seriously.

"Don't worry, sir, I'll take care of her. No harm will come to Bella on my watch."

"Uh huh." Charlie nodded and then turned and headed for the stairs.

"Bye, Dad." Bella called as I steered her out the front door. I saw Charlie wave from over his shoulder and then he disappeared around the stairs. Once we got in the car I could both hear and smell the sudden adrenaline burst that Bella had, but she remained still in her still, and silent as we drove to my house.

"I'll let you change, if you want." I said as we walked upstairs. I had her small bag in my hand which contained some clothes and her robe. "I'll wait out in the hall."

"Ok."

"Nervous?" I asked as we walked around the last corner of the stairs.

"No." She laughed. "Just a little anxious."

"Trying to contain it is detrimental to your health, Bella. You should let it all out." We stopped at my door and she opened it taking her bag from me.

"I plan to." She whispered, and stood on her toes to kiss me before disappearing behind the door. She left it cracked, and I assumed that was on purpose. I was a gentleman and let her change into whatever she wanted while not peeking. I actually took the moment to listen around the house. I could hear Esme downstairs arranging some fresh flowers in her vases around the living room. Carlisle wasn't here. Emmett and Jasper were out back having another wrestling match, Jasper was winning. Alice and Rosalie were watching from where they sat on a rock. Rosalie was lying down, enjoying the sound of Emmett trying to take Jasper out. Alice was laughing at the attempt. I was sure they were all aware of Bella and I up here, Alice had probably already seen my intentions for the day.

I didn't care. I wanted to be alone with Bella in as much sense as the word could allow. When I couldn't hear her rustling through clothes anymore I opened the door just a tiny bit and looked in. She was standing at the glass wall of my room looking out over the backyard of the house at my four family members. She was dressed in just her robe. I couldn't see the lines the marked any other clothing underneath. A shiver on anticipation ran down my spine as I opened the door all the way to walk in and then locked it behind me.

Bella shook her head and laughed and then turned to greet me. "You think they'll see us?" she asked nodding toward the window.

"Not if do this." I said, and hit a small white button on the wall by my door. Curtains contained inside the windows came down keeping the light – and eyes – from out back away from us, and soft track lighting came on overhead so it still looked like daylight in the room.

"Creative." Bella observed. She turned back to the window and stared at the cream colored curtains. She sighed, and reached up to pull her hair out of the bun that she had done this morning and looked over her shoulder at me. "Well?"

"What?" I shrugged.

"You going to take your clothes off, or do I have to do that for you?"

"I wouldn't mind if you took the responsibility." I smirked. Bella returned it and walked over to where I stood. She seemed a little bit more dominant now, but not much. She was exceptionally more comfortable around me. That much was obvious.

The first thing to go, like always, was my shirt and it was quickly followed by my belt, pants, and socks. Everything landed in the corner. Not that we cared. I turned Bella so that her back was to me and reached around her to undo the sash on her robe. I slowly trailed my hands up her arms and brushed the non-silk material down her body where it fell into an ivory puddle at her bare feet. She turned to face me and I glanced her up and down slowly before settling my eyes on hers.

"Beautiful." I whispered. She blushed everywhere and it only the smile on my face wider. She held her hand out for me to take and pulled me toward the chaise, pushing the blanket off that I had left there this morning.

She lay down on her back reclining just enough so that she was still sitting up and laid myself down on top of her between her knees. Our embrace was passionate and urgent and she soon had my shorts off and I was buried in her.

I don't know how long we spent on the chaise, but it must have at least an hour before we moved to the floor. The carpeting in my room was so thick and soft it was lying on a bed. I knew Bella was comfortable even without the blanket.

We lay there on the floor, our bodies tangled intimately, as we learned the feel of each other with our hands first, and then mouths. We kept it light for a while, just kisses and touches above the waist. I memorized every valley, every curve of Bella's body. Where she liked to be touched the most, what places made her squirm, where she was the most ticklish… There was a particular spot on her neck that was just so susceptible to my mouth that I couldn't pull away from it because of the way it made her respond to me.

I let her hands travel all over my back and chest, learn each plane of my body. She loved to grasp my shoulders and arms and neck whenever we reached our peak together. Her body would arch against mine and she would purr in absolute delight as I traced light, feathery circles on her back.

It must have been around one in the afternoon when Bella's stomach started protesting and I let her wrap herself up in her robe so she could make a quick trip to the bathroom and I could remember where I put the food for her that I had brought earlier in the day.

We lay on the chaise again together, her between my knees now, but reclining back against me while she nibbled on some grapes and a couple crackers. I could tell she really wasn't in the mood to eat, but she needed sustenance.

When she was done I put whatever she didn't finish away while she discarded her robe and spread the blanket out on the floor. We explored each other's bodies again, but this time it was more much intimate. We rolled around on the blanket, experimenting, tasting, teasing. Everything. Bella was much more responsive than I had ever thought she would be, although she didn't allow herself to yell. I knew it had more to do with her dignity than the fact that everyone else in the house had super hearing, and her yells would be so much more than that to them.

Bella was quiet by nature, but she was also physical. She responded more with motions than she did with noise. I was the one making all the noise. I growled in her ear, roared when the pleasure that coursed through me was so intense it couldn't be expressed with just mere motions. I didn't give a damn if Emmett, or Rosalie, or Jasper could hear us. I would let them all have it later if they said anything. This wasn't about sex right now, this was about being with each other and loving each other in every way that we could.

It was around the middle of the afternoon when Bella finally began to fall asleep beside me. We had stopped maybe a half hour ago. I would never have to stop, but Bella was human, and after today… She deserved some rest. I pulled the blanket around her as her eye began to drift closed. I smoothed some hair back from her face and kissed her temple pulling her closer to me and wrapping an arm around her back.

She snuggled into my side and sighed very contently, letting her arm find its way across my body and try to pull me closer. She couldn't of course, so I shifted over and let her use my chest for a pillow. She enjoyed that. Her skin was so flush and damp right now I was sure my cool body felt like a nice relief. Her breathing started to deepen and even out so I whispered three words to her before she asleep.

"I love you."

I kissed her temple and again and played with her hair some more. She sighed and nodded against me.

"I love you, too." She whispered. Moments later she was fast asleep.

There would never be another day like today for us. We had reached our pinnacle when it came to showing each other how much we loved each other. I couldn't sleep, but I laid my head down beside Bella's, pulled the blanket over myself enough and fixed it around her shoulders in case she started to get cold, and then shut my eyes and let my mind play back all of the memories we had made together.


End file.
